What is Cushioning in Dating and Relationship?

In the complex world of modern dating, where ghosting, breadcrumbing, and orbiting have become common terms, a new term has surfaced: cushioning. Cushioning in dating and relationships might not be as widely known, but it’s an equally tricky concept that can have significant emotional consequences.

This guide will dive deep into what cushioning is, how it can affect you, and what you can do if you find yourself cushioning someone or being cushioned.

What is Cushioning in Dating and Relationships?

Cushioning in dating refers to the act of keeping one or more backup romantic prospects (the “cushions”) while being in a primary relationship. This tactic is often used to soften the emotional blow if the main relationship doesn’t work out. 

Imagine it as a safety net—a way to ensure that you’re never fully alone or heartbroken because you have other people to fall back on.

The Origin of Cushioning

The term “cushioning” comes from the idea of having a soft landing if your main relationship ends.

While the concept isn’t entirely new, the label has gained popularity with the rise of dating apps and social media, where keeping in touch with potential partners has become easier than ever.

The Difference Between Cushioning and Other Dating Trends

Cushioning is often confused with other dating trends like breadcrumbing or benching. However, it’s unique in its focus on maintaining multiple romantic interests simultaneously as a precautionary measure. 

While breadcrumbing involves leading someone on with no intention of commitment, cushioning is more about ensuring emotional security.

Is It Ever Okay to Cushion Someone?

Cushioning, while seemingly harmless to the person doing it, can be emotionally damaging to everyone involved. It creates a sense of insecurity in the primary relationship and manipulates the emotions of the “cushions.”

The Ethical Dilemma

From an ethical standpoint, cushioning is generally seen as problematic. Relationships are built on trust, and cushioning undermines that trust by keeping other romantic options open. 

According to Dr. Kelly Campbell, a relationship psychologist, “Cushioning can prevent individuals from fully investing in their relationships, leading to a lack of true intimacy and connection.”

When Cushioning Might Be Considered Acceptable

Some argue that cushioning might be acceptable in the very early stages of dating when exclusivity hasn’t been established. However, once a relationship becomes more serious, continuing to cushion someone is usually a sign of deeper issues, such as fear of commitment or emotional unavailability.

Are You Being Cushioned in Your Relationship: Signs and Reasons

If you’re worried that you might be the primary partner who’s being cushioned, there are some red flags to watch out for.

Signs You’re Being Cushioned

1. Your Partner is Vague About Their Feelings: They might avoid deep conversations about the future or be hesitant to define the relationship.
2. They Have a Lot of “Friends” of the Opposite Sex: While having friends of the opposite sex is normal if your partner seems overly close to these friends, it might be a sign of cushioning.
3. They’re Always on Their Phone: If your partner is frequently texting or on social media, especially in a secretive manner, they could be maintaining contact with their “cushions.”
4. Inconsistency in Communication: If your partner sometimes seems distant or less communicative, it could be because they are dividing their attention between you and their cushions.

Reasons People Cushion

People cushion for various reasons, most commonly due to fear of being alone or not fully trusting their current relationship. It can also stem from a need for validation or a lack of confidence in their ability to handle a breakup.

How Does Cushioning Impact You?

Cushioning might seem like a harmless way to protect oneself from heartbreak, but it can have significant psychological and emotional impacts.

The Emotional Toll on the Primary Partner

For the primary partner, discovering they’re being cushioned can lead to feelings of betrayal, inadequacy, and lowered self-esteem. The constant suspicion and insecurity can create an unhealthy relationship dynamic, potentially leading to anxiety and trust issues in future relationships.

The Impact on the “Cushions”

Those who are unknowingly being cushioned can also suffer emotionally. They might develop feelings for someone who never intends to pursue a real relationship with them, leading to confusion, frustration, and heartbreak.

Long-Term Psychological Effects

Cushioning can cause long-term psychological damage for all parties involved. It undermines the foundation of trust that’s crucial in any relationship, leading to lasting emotional scars.

How to Stop Being Cushioned in Dating?

If you suspect you’re being cushioned, it’s important to address the issue head-on to protect your emotional well-being.

Open Communication

The first step is to have an honest conversation with your partner. Express your feelings and concerns without being accusatory. This can provide clarity on where your relationship stands and whether your partner is truly committed to you.

Set Boundaries

If your partner’s behavior isn’t aligning with your needs, it might be time to set clear boundaries. Make it known that you won’t tolerate being a second option, and be prepared to walk away if necessary.

Focus on Self-Worth

Remember that your self-worth isn’t tied to someone else’s validation. Focus on your own happiness and well-being, and don’t be afraid to end a relationship that isn’t serving you.

Seek Professional Help

If cushioning has left you feeling emotionally drained or confused, seeking advice from a relationship counselor or therapist can provide guidance and support.

Final Words

Cushioning is a complicated and often damaging dating behavior that can hurt everyone involved. By recognizing the signs and understanding the impact, you can make informed decisions to protect your emotional well-being and foster healthier relationships.

Commonly Asked Questions